Git-R-Done Country

The website for the Florida State Fair provides a decent feel for what the fair itself has to offer. Event dates, agricultural information, hours of operation for "Cracker Country"... you get the idea. However, upon visiting the actual fair, you'll see that the most prominent feature of the fair is nowhere to be found on their website. Food.


To be more specific, terrible food. Some of the worst food I've ever had the good grace to avoid. Hundreds of food vendors, all peddling the same garbage, flank the 355 acres of midway. I've been to my share of fairs, carnivals, and "old's home's day's." I consider myself a frequenter of amusement parks, circuses, and when everyone else claims zoos "are cruel" I'll be the first guy there. Hotdog in one hand, cotton candy in the other, chocolate dipped ice cream cone balanced on one sneaker, turkey leg balanced on the other. I consider junk food to be an important staple of any entertainment outing.

A friend once told me, "I hope you never change." At the time, I was busy stuffing my pockets full of napkins at a snack bar with a fresh straw clenched between my teeth. I then collected a large popcorn, large drink, pretzel bites, and goobers and made way for the movie theater. All of the junk food was for me.

I haven't changed one bit. At least, I don't think I have.

Florida, on it's own, is a no man's land. A vast wasteland where anything goes and everyone has seen better days. I don't know what it is, can't quite put my finger on it, but Florida -if it were a person- would be a thin, almost sickly, wiry white guy with no jaw. Sporting a rattail, a baseball cap, and a shiny red face. Even though the guy would appear to be in shape, he'd be riding a mobility scooter firing guns off as he slowly rode past. Florida is wild and unwieldy. It's the closest state we have to Mad Max's birthplace. Florida IS Mad Max. And it's home to 1.5 million alligators.

Enter the Florida State Fair. A sweeping collection of exhibits, vendors, amusements, animals, helicopter rides, alligator shows, game booths, and other delivery vehicles for Hepatitis C. The first thing that becomes apparent about the fair, and quickly turns staggering, is the volume of food vendors. There must be hundreds. Lined bumper to bumper, measured end to end it's got to be about two miles of food trucks easy. Every one painted in neon colors and covered in pictures of edible waste. Wall to wall cartoon letters spell out the gastrointestinal dangers that await your consumption. A total assault on the senses.

What is there to eat? Fried everything: oreos, candy bars, twinkies, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches -between french toast- also fried... "Chocolate Dipt Bacon," cheeseburgers w/ ice cream on them, cheeseburgers on krispy kreme donuts, something called a "garbage burger," the list goes on and on.

A couple of these items I've had before. Usually, it's just a bite. One bite is enough to make me feel -physically- worse than I've ever felt in my life and say, "that's what that tastes like. Never again."


The problem is when you tell folks about all of this "unbelievable" junk food people tend to have the same reaction.

"You didn't eat any of it?"

"No."

"Nothing?"

"I had a 2 dollar hotdog."

"Was it dipped in anything?"

"..."


Which brings me to my point. It used to be you'd go to a fair and the rides were the main deal. Ride a spinny thing till you puke or ride the pirate ship that goes upside down... till you puke. Hop on the "sky coaster" or the "slingshot," launch yourself into the stratosphere, and leave your stomach on the ground for the duration but now everything is ass backwards. The extreme rides are not the only thing designed to put your insides in a garbage can. The dare no longer extends itself to the "extreme" amusement park ride. If you attend any state fair you're somehow forced to play "man versus stomach" the home game. And from the looks of the Florida State Fairgoers many of them have played and lost. Miserably.

Most likely, their defeats haven't kept them from losing over and over again.

If you were to judge the Florida State Fair based on the health of the people in attendance the overall score would be fat. It's never a good sign when your motorized scooter needs more torque. And based on a cursory glance some of them aren't long for this world. I just hope they fit through death's door. All of it seems due to diet. Which reminds me, I don't remember seeing one healthy option. Not that it's expected at the fair but I still looked. Determinedly. There was nothing to be found. Not even a deep fried salad.


One thing I did find, however, was the world's smallest woman. She looked a little overweight for her size. I'm surprised nobody's tried to roll her up in fried dough and eat her.

-Chris