Us or Them

So... Here we are.

Here.
We.
Are...

...I stand here with you, men, on the eve of battle and I ask you... have you ever felt more alive? Have you ever felt more... Focused? As we stand, at the ready, I ask you to take a DEEP inhale... Now, what do you smell? That's right you smell air. You smell the perfect concentration of CO2 and carbon monoxide. It may smell foul, it may not be perfect but this is "Our" air we're breathing. I'll tell you one thing you don't smell and that's Fish.

There may be some of you out there who... wishes they smelt fish, right now... Weeeeh-heh-heh-hell, I understand what it's like... to every once in a while "have a hankering" for the smell of burnin' fish flesh. I mean, who doesn't have those cravings? If you don't have thoughts like that in your head, now and again, you're not human. You're probably some... lesser species.

I don't want to get to carried away here, boys, but it's important to take a look at the specifics. Did you know that a little over a month ago we had another casualty? A woman was head-butted by a "spotted eagle ray."


And it killed her... That... "Fish," pictured above, was responsible for the death of an entire woman... and I ask you isn't that enough? Apparently, the fish don't think so. They won't be happy until our entire species is destroyed. We've recently decoded both porpoise and whale and our intel tells us that the entire undersea wildlife community hates our guts... They want us "G" "O" "N" "E". Gone... Eradicated. They're enforcing an extinction initiative which will help put humans on pace with the Whale in the dead department.

They've been testing our defenses for years... Need I remind you of the many shark attacks throughout the ages? Perhaps you've been lazy and haven't been reading your manual. Here's a refresher: 1945. The Philippine Sea. The USS Indianapolis is torpedoed by a Japanese submarine... the rest is History.


As you can see: about 880 men went into the water and only 300 survived. The rest, eaten by sharks. THOSE BASTARDS. There's nothing new about this. There have been shark uprisings for hundreds of years. It just takes a peculiar case for people to notice. For example, the attacks along the coast of New Jersey in 1916.


Four people killed, one injured. One of those murders was actually in a river. That shark had the gall to swim up one of OUR rivers and kill a child in the comfort of his own swimming creek. I tell ye these demons must be taken care of... if they have the ability to swim up stream into a river think of the possibilities. Be careful the next time you go to the latrine... It could be the last number two you ever take. There could easily be a bull shark looking to take a bite out of yer rump.


Did you know that most of the leading "Shark Scientists" believe that sharks won't attack humans? Can you believe that? Probably the same scientists who designed this kiddie playhouse...


Desensitize the children and they won't be scared. That's their main goal. Oh and if you think that The Fish don't have agents among us, you are sorely mistaken. There are species traders out there who would have you believe that there'll be no ocean life by the year fifty something... well, one can only hope and pray that that's true. If things keep going the way that they are, these fish could have our land by that time. For all we know, at this very moment there could be fish masquerading as humans. Sound absurd? Everyone has their doubts, now and again.


The fact is that they've been taking us out left and right for years now and nobody is safe. The fish'll take whatever parts of humans they can get... They'll stop at nothing to take our lives or ruin the careers of our young surfers.


WELL. I've got news for you Sharkies. She's still surfing and she's still winning. You'll have to try harder than that if you want to beat the Human Race. The only thing that's going to kill us is US. We'll have it no other way. Right, men? I know, I know... but we have lost so many. That's true. The list of casualties it a long one: Robert Shaw, Capt. Ahab, Steve Irwin, and the list goes on and on. Be weary, men. We believe that the war is only beginning. Expect the worst. These fish fight dirty and new information says that they're learning how to fly...

That's the poster for their SECOND aquatic recruiting video. It won't be long now, men, until they mount their full scale attack. Are you ready? Will you be prepared to fight alongside your brothers and end this turmoil that's waged for centuries on and in our oceans. Join me and fight for the water that we so rightly deserve. You're either with us or against us. I've made my decision. I'll be waiting by the dock in the harbor. We leave tonight at midnight. I have a boat that's fully fueled and stocked with equipment. There's no way they can win now. With great effort and a steel mindset they'll have no course but to run aground to hide from us! But guess what.. we'll be waitin' fer 'em. There's no place left for them to swim. To arms, men, TO ARMS...
-Capt. Nathaniel J. Merriweather

Save Ayrn

I haven't written a blog in a while, I think I got "the block..." I'll be trying to work through that lil' problem in the next week or so and I expect difficulty but hopefully a little education as well. In the meantime, there's something I've been trying to post for a while but due to a variety of things (mostly laziness) I haven't, as of yet. Allow me to remedy that. I don't often use my time to blug (blog/plug) stuff so I thought I'd take this opportunity to give it a whirl.

My Amazing cousin Kaitlyn (one of my favorite people in the world) has found herself an equally Magnificent roommate by the name of Katherine. And this deadly duo introduced me to Katherine's cousin, Ayrn, who has unfortunately had some medical troubles. Anyway, the main problem is bills. Lots and lots of medical bills... Needless to say: bills suck. So, Katherine and some friends are doing all they can to help her cousin out.

"Yes, Chris, but how can I help?" Well, all I'm askin' is you go over to the website they created for Ayrn and take a look at some nice items that they'd be willing to make and mail to ye for a small fee... Definitely check out Katherine's delectable delights. I can, personally, vouch for Katherine's amazing skill in making tasty treats. Mother's Day is coming up. Get yo'self prepared. Thanks and Hopefully you'll be hearing a lot from me in the next week or so.

Love,
Chris

"Germans"

Somewhere out there in Utah. On a road from Bryce Canyon...


...to Zion...






...my brother and I witnessed a peculiar occurrence.

We stopped, for some time, to collect our breath after seeing one of the most beautiful sights The World has to offer. Little did we know that we'd be heading to a place that was just as beautiful... or that we'd see something completely silly between the two. The sights we saw on that day ran the gamut. From heart stopping to ridiculous.

Ya see, as we pulled into a random gas station, in the middle of nowhere, we came upon something we'd never expected. It seems there was a gang of German tourists playing "Hells Angels" across the country. Apparently, for a sizable fee you can go on a Great American Harley tour across our wonderful nation -or perhaps even just a part of it- and take in the sites on a hog. That's exactly what a group of crazy Krauts were doing when my brother and I arrived on scene at this out of the way station.

They were nice, as nice can be, German folk. Fully clad in leather and Harley gear, inquiring about "the cappuccino" in the general store when my brother and I approached for snacks. The proprietor actually had cappuccino... and as we left I overheard a couple of Germans remark that it was "a really damn good cappuccino." We said howdy to a few as we passed, hopped into The Ghost with our Doritos, and sped off into the hills... We figured that'd be all we'd hear from The Crazy German Motocyclin' Gang and chalked it up as a minor peculiarity.

Now, very quickly, allow me to fill you in on a recurring topic that David and I shared on our trip through twenty two states. One of the major themes was animals. We wanted to see animals. Alive or Dead. Didn't much matter to us. We were psyched about any and all animals on our trip. There was so much talk of animals that I'm remiss in not having posted about this earlier... I'll put it to you this way: we spent more time talking about animals than we did in Karaoke bars, which was far too much time.

So, when we were buzzing down a Highway in Utah and we looked out the driver's side window and saw Bison... well, you know why we had to stop.


I eased The Ghost over to the shoulder and David and I hopped out to snap some photos of the mammoth beasts. My camera does the job but it does no justice to the size of these massive creatures. We were elated. I wanted to leap the fence and run into the field... even though, from our distance, each bison looked like the size of a bus. It was truly a spectacle.

Imagine our surprise when we heard the roar of a chopper convoy twenty five to thirty Germans strong ripping down the road. Everyone by the side of the highway turned to inspect the noise. The bison looked up from their pasture "eeehhhrr!?" Hay falling out of mouths. We all looked. Then, The German Bikers-in-Training slowed to a stop in the middle of the road. To regard the Bison. They all came to a complete, if not shaky, stop.


That's when I took this picture. Unfortunately, I then put my camera away. Had I kept taking pictures I'd currently have evidence as to what happened next. The motorcycle line came to a halt there on the highway. Taking up the entirety of the west bound lane. With no regard to our country's traffic laws. They're a biker gang. And they're German. "Fick You! Unce you Amelican Highvays! AUTOBAHN!" So, they pulled up and came to a halt. As they did a guy halfway down the line lost it. His bike fell to our right and hit the ground. From a good distance off we watched as he rolled onto the Highway... and into traffic. You can't see any cars in the picture but one came along and started beeping at him. He was slow to get up. He then had trouble righting the bike. They must have had a guide in the truck at the front of their convoy because someone came out to help him... I will say that it's good, when Germany unleashes it's biker gangs on our American streets, that they're being supervised. That's extremely important. We wouldn't want them to scratch their beautiful American engineered soft tails.

After that the Highway stayed two lanes until we got out of Zion Canyon. We were on those twisty roads a good long while. The whole time pursued by The Germans, a few cars behind, en mass. Usually, they were a ways behind due to traffic flow but sometimes, because of a tight pass, traffic would halt and they'd catch up. Each and every time that happened David and I would see them and yell, "GERMANS" as loud as possible in their direction.

-Chris