Us or Them

So... Here we are.

Here.
We.
Are...

...I stand here with you, men, on the eve of battle and I ask you... have you ever felt more alive? Have you ever felt more... Focused? As we stand, at the ready, I ask you to take a DEEP inhale... Now, what do you smell? That's right you smell air. You smell the perfect concentration of CO2 and carbon monoxide. It may smell foul, it may not be perfect but this is "Our" air we're breathing. I'll tell you one thing you don't smell and that's Fish.

There may be some of you out there who... wishes they smelt fish, right now... Weeeeh-heh-heh-hell, I understand what it's like... to every once in a while "have a hankering" for the smell of burnin' fish flesh. I mean, who doesn't have those cravings? If you don't have thoughts like that in your head, now and again, you're not human. You're probably some... lesser species.

I don't want to get to carried away here, boys, but it's important to take a look at the specifics. Did you know that a little over a month ago we had another casualty? A woman was head-butted by a "spotted eagle ray."


And it killed her... That... "Fish," pictured above, was responsible for the death of an entire woman... and I ask you isn't that enough? Apparently, the fish don't think so. They won't be happy until our entire species is destroyed. We've recently decoded both porpoise and whale and our intel tells us that the entire undersea wildlife community hates our guts... They want us "G" "O" "N" "E". Gone... Eradicated. They're enforcing an extinction initiative which will help put humans on pace with the Whale in the dead department.

They've been testing our defenses for years... Need I remind you of the many shark attacks throughout the ages? Perhaps you've been lazy and haven't been reading your manual. Here's a refresher: 1945. The Philippine Sea. The USS Indianapolis is torpedoed by a Japanese submarine... the rest is History.


As you can see: about 880 men went into the water and only 300 survived. The rest, eaten by sharks. THOSE BASTARDS. There's nothing new about this. There have been shark uprisings for hundreds of years. It just takes a peculiar case for people to notice. For example, the attacks along the coast of New Jersey in 1916.


Four people killed, one injured. One of those murders was actually in a river. That shark had the gall to swim up one of OUR rivers and kill a child in the comfort of his own swimming creek. I tell ye these demons must be taken care of... if they have the ability to swim up stream into a river think of the possibilities. Be careful the next time you go to the latrine... It could be the last number two you ever take. There could easily be a bull shark looking to take a bite out of yer rump.


Did you know that most of the leading "Shark Scientists" believe that sharks won't attack humans? Can you believe that? Probably the same scientists who designed this kiddie playhouse...


Desensitize the children and they won't be scared. That's their main goal. Oh and if you think that The Fish don't have agents among us, you are sorely mistaken. There are species traders out there who would have you believe that there'll be no ocean life by the year fifty something... well, one can only hope and pray that that's true. If things keep going the way that they are, these fish could have our land by that time. For all we know, at this very moment there could be fish masquerading as humans. Sound absurd? Everyone has their doubts, now and again.


The fact is that they've been taking us out left and right for years now and nobody is safe. The fish'll take whatever parts of humans they can get... They'll stop at nothing to take our lives or ruin the careers of our young surfers.


WELL. I've got news for you Sharkies. She's still surfing and she's still winning. You'll have to try harder than that if you want to beat the Human Race. The only thing that's going to kill us is US. We'll have it no other way. Right, men? I know, I know... but we have lost so many. That's true. The list of casualties it a long one: Robert Shaw, Capt. Ahab, Steve Irwin, and the list goes on and on. Be weary, men. We believe that the war is only beginning. Expect the worst. These fish fight dirty and new information says that they're learning how to fly...

That's the poster for their SECOND aquatic recruiting video. It won't be long now, men, until they mount their full scale attack. Are you ready? Will you be prepared to fight alongside your brothers and end this turmoil that's waged for centuries on and in our oceans. Join me and fight for the water that we so rightly deserve. You're either with us or against us. I've made my decision. I'll be waiting by the dock in the harbor. We leave tonight at midnight. I have a boat that's fully fueled and stocked with equipment. There's no way they can win now. With great effort and a steel mindset they'll have no course but to run aground to hide from us! But guess what.. we'll be waitin' fer 'em. There's no place left for them to swim. To arms, men, TO ARMS...
-Capt. Nathaniel J. Merriweather