ANTS!

When I was a kid, every so often on t.v. (channel 38) they had feature movie weeks. More specifically, they had one called: "Mother Nature Strikes Back Week" which I absolutely loved. They'd show movies about insects and animals killing people. One of my favorite movies that I remember, most fondly, was the one they showed called "ANTS." "ANTS" was exactly what you think it is... A Horror Movie about a colony of killer ants.



"Mother Nature Strikes Back Week" was something else and it was perfect because I could watch it and then be in bed by around 10 p.m. Worrying about killer insects. (If you ever get the chance "Piranha II: The Spawn" is also a definite must see.) The plot of "ANTS" is roughly as follows: there's an old hotel that's under construction, or something, and these poisonous ants come out of nowhere. People keep getting bitten, hurt, and killed by them. The climax comes when a group of people are chased, floor by floor, up to the top of the Hotel. Until the whole hotel is covered in ants. It's really a difficult one to watch...

Now, here I am... living in Los Angeles. Moved nine months ago with my brother. We're in a tiny apartment. Not quite big enough for the both of us, let alone James Patterson. (Our friend, not the author.) Add into the mix: it's the height of summer. The heat. No respite. You see where I'm going with this? There have been moments, since we've moved in, where we've had minor skirmishes with the ants. There was one time when James left a bottle of honey next to the fridge and we got hundreds of them all over our counter. We almost lost that one... but this... this is War. They're everywhere.

Don't get the wrong Idea. I don't mind ants. I think they're cute. And lately I've had a little bit of a philosophical conundrum because I don't think coexistence is possible but "If I kill an ant aren't I still taking a life?" I believe so. Why not value them as highly as people? Or all living things for that matter? Maybe that's a little much but I've taken my fair share of wildlives in my time anyway. Birds, squirrels, frogs, insects... (As a boy I was a bit of a soul-collector.) I'm not entirely happy about it but there was no other way to find out that serial killing wasn't for me. People make mistakes.

Maybe the ants are a mini-plague for my sins. Perhaps grasshoppers are next. One thing I can tell you is that wherever I meet them, on whatever battle ground we collide: the bathroom sink, the wall near my computer, next to the fridge, my dresser, the kitchen sink... (sometimes I'll find an ant on my body waaay waaaay after I've left my house... so, I think they're hiding out in my shirts too) Their superior numbers overwhelm. The trick, I'm finding out, is to kill the scout and erase his scent trail so the others won't know where our delectable delights are. Also, I've imported trained spiders. Really, I've just moved the ones I think will kill the ants from one location of the house to another.

And I'm no fan of spiders. Most times I'd rather hang out with ants than spiders but in this case the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Even if he was previously my enemy. Ya follow?

Part of me knows that whatever the reason these ants have attacked, I'm going to wake up some night in the middle of being carried off from my bed and an attempt will be made to stuff me through a tiny crack in my kitchen wall. I guess this is just my goodbye letter. Hopefully, when I reach their subterranean world, I'll convince them that they can use someone like me and that my talents are an asset to the colony. In which case I open a comedy club and start booking a show.
Goodbye,
Chris

-All inquiries for stage-time should be sent through chrispywalsh@gmail.com.
P.S. There was a movie called "Deadly Eyes" which will forever haunt my memories, as well.